Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
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I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.