Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
You Might Also Like
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser