Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.

When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.

Me: Can I get you a drink?

Her: I don’t know. Can you?

Me: *checking wallet* No.

Rejected Candy Hearts:

– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free

my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.

Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb

I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly

shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?

Medusa: absolutely not

I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.

Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem

using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…

Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications

Me: *nodding* a curator

[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?

In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.

Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”

WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat

The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it

[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent

I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet

Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral

“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?

ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down

VET: that’s illegal

ME: yes I said that

DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink

me: *applies to cult*

cult: no thx

Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?

my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily

Hello, my name is Pierre.

I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.