Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
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we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Did a trash talking tree write this?
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.