Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
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INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
started the year single. ending the year single. consistency is key
If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school
15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.