Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
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[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I love it all
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right