Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
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Spa day..😅
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
You can’t spell dyslexia without sexy.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart
Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Beware…..
so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping