Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.

I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight

ME: how can i prepare for my date

FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids

ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet

grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them

[Inventing limes]

God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

me: you can’t take a joke

joke thief: what

If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”

My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.

Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again

him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere

This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would

Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*

My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?

Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*

ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.

No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook

Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:

My husband got me flowers!

I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework

I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry

I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies

Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?

Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.

My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17

Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.

Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?

5: Unicorns aren’t real.

13: Where do you think glitter comes from?

10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.

Big Sisters: the original fake news source

Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.

Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.

*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!

And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?

Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.

At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.

WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*

When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?

– kids