The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
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MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Friend: “Hey, that girl is cute. Can you put in a good word for me?”
*walks up to girl*
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!
*all the adults start screaming*
*Buys bat for home security
*it flies away
Being dumb is hard.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss