Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
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Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
i’m still crying at this
Wake me when AI does housework
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*