Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.

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The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.


MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger


The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.


Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes

Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom


I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.


Friend: “Hey, that girl is cute. Can you put in a good word for me?”
Me: “Sure”
*walks up to girl*
*whispers* “magnanimous”


(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!

*all the adults start screaming*


*Buys bat for home security

*it flies away

Being dumb is hard.


Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.


Mobster: we need to set up a shell company

Lobster: let me handle this, boss