Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
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Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Great Canadian literature.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
is this store having a stroke wtf
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)