Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
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Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.