Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
![]()
You Might Also Like
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!