Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?

Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there

Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse

My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.

Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”

Im at the swamp does anyone need anything

Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.

Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff

genie: wishes should be limited

monkeys paw: and come with consequences

shooting star: don’t forget rare

birthday candle: yeah and secret

dandelion: ok you guys need to relax

*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*

I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”

ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT

[jungle]

Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.

Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.

me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new

Blacksmith *shoes a horse*

Swordsmith *forges a blade*

Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*

🙏🏾

Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.

You’ll make me nervous.

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.

Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?

Me: Lol I know right

Therapist: For real though

Me: Can you imagine haha

Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion

Me: Wait, that’s an option?

A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”

Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad

If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.

At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments

Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*

Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!

Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?

Wife:

Me: Omelette you eat now

12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!

went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.

Dear Cereal Makers,

Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?

If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*

I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.