Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
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I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
yeah nice try. not falling for that again
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Oops
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
When I laugh on my period
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’