Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants

The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.

A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.

Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say

I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.

Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?

Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.

The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.

You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300

The caterer: I’m the caterer

Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness

Astronomer: Hello

I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.

people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn

Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?

Me: did I look like I was paying attention?

baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing

Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*

Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*

Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.

I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this

When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches

I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese

Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell

[scene of wreck]

cop: do you want an ambulance

me: no I’ll probably just buy another car

Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”

We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us

I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.

Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.

I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.

Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.

In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison

I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.