Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
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I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
accurate
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Holy crap this is wonderful
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.