DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
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Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl