had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
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I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
