Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]

Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!

(first day as a marine scientist)

Me: When do we get to…

Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses

If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?

Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?

me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water

There are usually two types of merchants.

a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.

*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*

Executioner: last words?

Me: pop

Executioner: we say soda here

Me:

Executioner: say soda

Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-

Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA

Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?

I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.

Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.

My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….

I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.

doctor: jogging will extend your life

me: thanks for the warning

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?

I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.

[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying

bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”

Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.

doctor: are u drinking enough fluids

me: i’ve never drunk anything else

If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money

I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.

The three things Im grateful for:

1. Family

2. Friends

3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.

Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.

I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”

ATMs should have breathalyzers

If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.