Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.

Me: Which game were you playing?

4: Lava Queen and Assistant!

Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?

4: How did you know, daddy?!

Daddy knows.

Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.

Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.

[Sound of sellotape ripping]

Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm

[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.

How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?

I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.

I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie

I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star

Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.

Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you

Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know

Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.

[First Date]

Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?

Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives

W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours

You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??

At Twitter HQ

J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?

Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing

*releases update

Guys which shade of gery should I get

Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food

The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.

What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?

How I Met Your Mothra!

…No, YOU shut up.

Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺

Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.

I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.

– Bear suicide note.

Me: To the window; to the wall.

Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.

has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem

I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns

If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.

optimus prime: did she just wink at me?

me: i think she’s turning left

Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?

Wife: Well latel-

Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-

Attorney: Ok, got it

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that