Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
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Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello