Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
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wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*