had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
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Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
What in the hipster hell is going on here
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?