Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.

*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”

Actually I am.

“WHAT”

APRIL FOOLS!

“Whew”

I’m technically a serial killer.

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?

I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.

Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now

Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.

German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon

I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.

My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school

Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?

God: I don’t play favorites.

Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?

God: those are just names.

Pug: yeah I guess.

God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.

Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?

Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.

My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…

Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.

ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something

[Everyday]

Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?

Hubs: what?

Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.

THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.

ME: As planned.

Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.

That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.

You might just have to resign…

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!