Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.

I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.

I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread

Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.

10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat

I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.

Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.

I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.

I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”

Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private

Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.

I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems

“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”

Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me

[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.

Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard

I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick

Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.

Her: “So, are you religious?”

Him: “I’m part Catholic.”

Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”

Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”

#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail

The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself

God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then

I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.

[first day birdwatching]

is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?

Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.

WebMD: In the morgue.

sex so good you start seeing dead people..

oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

FRIEND: so how are you?

ME: I’m well, thanks!

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: not much!

FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?

ME: why are you doing this to me