Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.

If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.

*at reading of my will*

Executor: *opens envelope*

‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’

[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager

You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?

Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”

All my money goes to the poor…poor me.

You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.

Eg:

Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive

Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises

I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary

I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.

deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older

god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked

angel: wait what

god: I told you to make them meatier

angel: oh MEATier

I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.

PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom

Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…

Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?

Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.

my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive

tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure

When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.

The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.

“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”

I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence

In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.

I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”