Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.

[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country

That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth

Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes

Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes

Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.

My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.

GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”

A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.

A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:

1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”

In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.

[school of hard knocks]

TEACHER: you’re late

ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked

TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn

Husband: *singing pop song*

Tween: Mom, do something.

Me: *starts dancing*

I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .

[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”

-Steve Harvey M.D.

BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong

If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.

It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.

[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome

I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.

Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home

My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.

He has a belt in partial arts

[Funeral]

He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”

My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple

My fingers: so we did a thing

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.