Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
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Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
dutch is not a serious language
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*