Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
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You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
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SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Life with a cat in one tweet
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
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The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
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I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.