Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.
You Might Also Like
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
This cat wants you to take your pills
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.