Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.

I’m sorry…

…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.

My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.

Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.

How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?

I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.

I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself

teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot

When you accidentally speak your mind in the company meeting

Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part

Owen Wilson: wow

Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”

Owen Wilson: wow

What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.

I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.

Dad, we’re right in front of you

Uh….. go ask your mom.

The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.

Every haunted house movie:

When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”

i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house

HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.

[restaurant]

waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?

me: no but I know how to order food

*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF

Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.

Me: Okay.

I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street

murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons

me: i’ll wait

it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut

I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂

there was another, tinier cement truck inside

Me when I wear 4 inch heels

This can never not be funny 😭😭

My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.

fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it