Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.
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Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you