Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.
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i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
There are usually two types of merchants.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
The 6 types of sex
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
*performs CPR on the turkey*
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.