Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
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I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
🤭😂
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.