Had an outline tattoo done on my shoulder and when my friends are sad I let them colour it in
Everyone needs a shoulder to crayon…
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Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Lassie, get help!
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming