Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.

Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework

I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?

I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭

Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…

No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.

Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.

I just fought a child-proof container to the death.

This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds

Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.

You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.

Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?

If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.

A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.

Tuber Eats.

By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.

Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.

I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.

knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party

Welcome to your 40s.

Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.

Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.

They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy

I think I may need professional help…

A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!