Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
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WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
My work here is done
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks