Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
You Might Also Like
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Printer ink is expensive
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I