Had blood work done on my two Labrador Retrievers and am waiting for the vet to call back with the results of my Labs’ Labs
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[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight