Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you

Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself

FRIEND: let’s hang out

ME: *takes out my accordion*

ENEMY: I changed my mind

A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY

This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday

[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager

Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.

Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?

My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer

I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.

They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.

I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.

Like Customs, for example.

Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.

If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s

Act now and we will double your order of crap!

Infomercials

Me: DIALOGUE!!!

Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.

I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?

[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]

Her: faster! faster!

Me: oh god no

*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*

*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*

Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”

Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.

Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.

ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”

THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”

Me: Why are you holding a fork?
Coworker: My toast is caught in the toaster.
Me: STOP!

*turns my chair to get a better view

Me: Carry on.

Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable

if you care about the planet have unprotected sex!

“Is it in yet???”

-My ATM, mocking me.

[after sex]

Her: *lights up smoke*

Me: *unwraps toothpick*