Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Personal Trainer: Do you run?

Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.

*tornado takes out half of my house*

Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?

My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”

Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?

Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”

My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”

Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK

When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.

Adultry does not sound fun at all

Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context

Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.

SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.

My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.

*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive

Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.

I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok

i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.

Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?

dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy

me: ok got it

[later]

her: hi i’m carol

me: u look like shit

My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!

Then he held up my driver’s license

Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star

Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor

Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.

Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped

Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.

Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.

Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?

ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk

WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours

I’m pretty like a car crash.

I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.

I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.

I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.

[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”