had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
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Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
expecting to live rent-free in my mind? good luck being homeless
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Did my cat write this
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football