Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
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“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”
Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”
Microsoft word: “eat shit!”
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.