Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
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Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary