Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
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Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.