Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
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Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver