Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?

normal person: 9+7=16

me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16

*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.

Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.

Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.

Waiter: how does the chicken taste?

Me: WITH ITS TONGUE

good for her

WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat

Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…

The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.

Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.

If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think

dryer: permanent press

me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.

What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?

i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her

Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward

If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room

My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.

They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.

I bet it would have sold millions.

Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.

Me: THE drawer?

Wife: Yeah.

Great. There go our Oreos.

I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model

[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?

I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.

Me: Do your chores.

9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!

Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.

9: I didn’t know they would follow me.

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.

Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.

I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.

Turning regret into ulcers since 1996

Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market

– my wife: I’m not doing that

Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place

normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.

[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh