Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
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The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo