Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
You Might Also Like
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
NSFW tweet
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Unionize your workplace
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus