Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.

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Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP


Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”


My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm. That’s whey past my bedtime


If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.


ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me


Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”

*hand over my wallet*

Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”


8:Mommy you seem sad. What’s wrong?

Awe, sweetie. It’s just grown up stuff. I’ll be fine.

8: Is it me? Daddy? Did we do something?

No baby! love you. And daddy. We are great!

8: Is is taxes? Its clearly taxes


SURPRISE! I scream, bursting from the vat of mashed potatoes. The other lunch ladies do not look surprised
They do not look surprised at all