Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
You Might Also Like
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
one last job
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
termite twitter scares me
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
I got soap in my shower beer again.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Whoa… oh I see lol
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’