Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
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Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Tier 3 meme
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.