Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
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I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
I need to sieze this.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.