Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Pizza falls on the ground]

Hold

HOLD!

-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.

Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.

The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.

Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”

Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”

Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”

Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”

Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“We really must stop meeting like this!”

[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”

The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.

me: wanna do something fun?

her: already have plans

me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

Here, let me loosen those morals for you.

Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*

My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.

[first day as a stand-up comedian]

batman: how’d I do, alfred?

alfred: i felt like your dad.

batman: proud?

alfred: 💀💀

I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?

Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.

Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.

Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.

Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.

We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.

Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”

The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.

#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill

Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”

I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.

half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer

“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower

Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”

you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am

For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.

I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”

Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.

Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.