Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.

Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.

Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be

My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.

need someone to feed me Doritos while i read, so i don’t mess up the pages. no weirdos.

My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.

In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.

My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.

me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.

“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer

i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van

Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?

The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.

“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”

-Pants

Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…

You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.

With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.

Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”

I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater

HER: I love Deadpool

ME: I love Dead Pool

HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?

ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?

Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.

Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.

I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.

Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*

why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly

The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano

this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen

GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son

GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..