HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
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Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I remember when things only cost an arm.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.