@clemwin

HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.

1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED

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@Marlebean

[In the middle of nowhere]

4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”

… yes

“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”

@RowdyBowden

Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.

@momtribevibe

My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

@WheelTod

I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.

@L8yK8y

Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.

@SuperApple80

Keep me in your prayers. My daughter just found her old recorder.

@TheCatWhisprer

gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope

@GrowlyGrego

Choose your own adventure:

S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P

Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?

@elunatyk

Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.

Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.

@GrantTanaka

Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.