Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
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Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
put ‘er there pardner!
Where is your GOD now????
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting