Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
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imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Nothing is scarier than teaching your teen to drive. Except teaching them to drive on the highway. And teaching them to drive at night. Or on the highway at night. Also on the highway at night during the week of Christmas.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.