Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
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It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
How times have changed.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.