Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
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The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
fair
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
[single drop of rain falls on ground]
Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.