Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
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Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
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5.
Cha-ching is my safe word
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.