Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White t-shirt: lol same.

*Ghost Jail

Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice

Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…

It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.

I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.

me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux

penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]

me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size

This bottle of vodka was on sale.

So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.

The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize

[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah

friend: can i tell you something

me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis

Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.

me choking on my own saliva for no reason.

It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.

If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send

HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.

Goodyear: tires

Badyear: 2020

What’s the point buying it then?

Waffles make excellent pill organizers

i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show

[interview]

BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?

You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?

I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.

I wished that I won’t die a virgin.

#CatsOnTwitter

The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work

The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.

*walks into a restaurant*

Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.

Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card

unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”

Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying

i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984

How we’re different…

You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.

I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.