had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch
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Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
🤣🤣🤣
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.