had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
“What’s wrong with you?”
Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
