Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible

after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host

“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.

it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

DOC: We got your blood tests back

ME: Is it small pox like I thought?

DOC: No, it’s even worse

ME: What could be worse than small pox?

DOC: Big pox

ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it

This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.

If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.

I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.

When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.

I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.

My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”

And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂

MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!

Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.

Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?

Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.

*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.

Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.

Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.

Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…

Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.

Dr: do you eat healthy?

Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales

Dr:

Me: the hummuses

Dr: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.

Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone

*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*

*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*

law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class

me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now

I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .

My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?

Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.