had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch
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Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
reduce, reuse, recycle
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
I love texting my boyfriend
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?