had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
