Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
You Might Also Like
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Simple
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.