Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous

[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister

Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”

I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.

I don’t know which meme to get my news from today

we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi

3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–

Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops

Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”

Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.

Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps

There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!

doctor: are u sexually active

me: no i just sort of lay there

I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.

You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.

JESUS: [walks on water]

JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle

JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas

JUDAS: Actually..

Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.

and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this

– me on my own cooking show

12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them

After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit

Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.

ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho

Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.

me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own

mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me

second mint: me neither!

me: I don’t remember planting you

third mint: sup fellas how we doin