Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
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Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.
“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”