Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
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My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Me trying to look natural in photos
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.