Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
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*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
where there’s a whale there’s a whale
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
journal
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book