Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
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USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
I’m awake but I object,
My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL
*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*
4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u